STEPS TO RECOVER FROM BETRAYAL

STEPS TO RECOVER FROM BETRAYAL –by Karin Huffer

DEBRIEFING - that means telling someone what happened, and that person listening without judgment. We all listen to your stories, and we know what you’re talking about, because we’ve all been deceived in some way in our lives.

GRIEVING - it is legitimate to grieve the loss of possessions, or our lifestyle, or our place in the community. Sometimes well-meaning friends or relatives say, “Oh, it’s only money.” This isn’t true. Possessions are the outward manifestations of our inner identity. We didn’t just lose things. We lost part of ourselves.

OBSESSION – we become obsessed with hatred towards the sociopath who violated us and our feelings are certainly justified. The problem with obsession, however, is that it wears you out, and interferes with your ability to regain control in your life. Cope with obsession by compartmentalizing it—only allowing yourself to dwell in it for specific periods of time, schedule your way out of it.

BLAMING - this means putting blame where it belongs: on the perpetrator. We often feel guilty for allowing the situation to occur in our lives. But we have nothing to be guilty about. We were normal, caring, loving individuals who were deceived. The guilt, anger and rage needs to be directed towards the sociopath who deceived us.

DESHAMING - before our encounter with the predator, we had certain beliefs, such as “there’s good in everyone,” or “if someone asks me to marry him, he must really love me.” Unfortunately, the dreadful experience has taught us that some beliefs are false and need to be changed. When we do this, we also change our attitude, from “I was a fool” to “I’ve been wronged.”

REFRAMING - the steps aforementioned must be accomplished, before a person can move on to reframing. At this stage, you can look at your experience, define it differently, and then articulate the wisdom you’ve gained.

EMPOWERMENT - at this point, you feel focused energy. You take ownership of your problems, determine how you are going to cope with them, and go into action.

RECOVERY - with recovery, you are able to move forward in your life. Sometimes recovery involves forgiveness, but it is not necessary, it is up to you, if you can arrive to a point of forgiveness. What you can try to do is to turn it over to God for justice.

THE LONG JOURNEY – there is no expected timetable for moving through the recovery process. We all have different personal histories and face different circumstances. We’ve all had different levels of violation. Anyone who has been targeted for destruction by a sociopath must understand that it was a profound assault, and it will take time to recover. You may slide back and forth among the stages. So be gentle on yourself, because the journey may be long. If you keep going, in the end you will find peace, built upon new depths of wisdom and understanding.